


It's the Muppet Show with Christian Kane!

by SusanMM



Category: Angel: the Series, Christian Kane - Fandom, Leverage RPF, The Court Jester (1955), The Librarians (TV 2014) RPF, The Muppets - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Music, RPF, variety show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 04:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11501931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusanMM/pseuds/SusanMM
Summary: What would happen if actor/singer Christian Kane were a guest on The Muppet Show?  FanQ Honorable Mention for Best "The Muppet Show" Story, 2017.  Jealous pigs, musical dogs, dancing janitors, Veterinarian's Hospital, Statler and Waldorf, Danny Kaye imitations, good music, and bad jokes!!





	It's the Muppet Show with Christian Kane!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosemary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosemary/gifts).



**Standard Fanfic Disclaimer** that probably wouldn't last ten seconds in a court of law: _The Muppet Show_ , alas, is long since cancelled. But if it were still on, and if Christian Kane appeared as a guest star, it would probably be completely different from this. I don't own the Muppets. I don't own Christian Kane.  (Thirteenth Amendment -- slavery is illegal in this country.)  I don't own _The Court Jester,_ nor Joyce Kilmer. I do own a used Ford. This story originally appeared in the fanzine[ Grimmoire #4](http://ashtonpress.net/fanzines/grimmoire.htm), from Ashton Press.  It won a FanQ [Honorable Mention](http://www.mediawestcon.org/fanq/2017fanq.htm) for the Best "The Muppet Show" Story at Media*WestCon, 2017.

 

**It's the Muppet Show with Christian Kane!**

_The Muppet Show_

by Susan M. M.

                              

 

 

            "Christian Kane?  Why do we need him as a guest?" Miss Piggy demanded haughtily.

            "Why don't you like Christian Kane?" asked Kermit the Frog.  They were backstage at the Muppet Show, and he was trying to make sure everything was ready for tonight's performance.  He was a little worried because Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem had gone to a music festival out of town, and weren't back yet.

            Miss Piggy hemmed and hawed before admitting reluctantly, "Because his long black hair is more luxurious than mine."

            "Now, Piggy, you know that's not true.  First off, he cut his hair; it's much shorter than it used to be.  And second," Kermit patted her hand, "you have the most beautiful golden blonde hair."

            "He cut it?" she asked.

            "Uh huh," Kermit confirmed.

            "And you really think my hair is prettier?"

            "Of course I do."

            Miss Piggy snuffed back her tears.  "It is, isn't it?"

            "Besides," Rizzo the Rat spoke up, "his is dark all over.  Yours is only dark at the roots."

            Miss Piggy grabbed Rizzo by the tail and threw him into a Chinese gong.  Mistaking the crash for their cue, the orchestra began playing the introduction.

 

##

            "Welcome back, guys," Scooter, the stage manager, said.  He watched as Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem trudged wearily past him, carrying backpacks, suitcases, and instrument cases.  "How was the music festival?"

            "Fun, but exhausting," Dr. Teeth replied.

            "Have you met tonight's guest star?" Scooter asked.

            Christian Kane smiled.  "Hi, I'm Christian."

            Zoot nodded and replied, "I'm Jewish," before he and the rest of the band walked on.

##

            "What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear?  I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian," Christian sang to a book-toting Miss Piggy.  She was clad in the height of fashion for 1912.

##

            Backstage, a purple skinned vampire in a black cloak was counting Gonzo's chickens.  "One, two, three, four, five.  Five hens."

            Miss Piggy and Christian came back stage.  Miss Piggy went to her dressing room to change.  Christian stopped to stare at the pointy-eared vampire. 

            "Hey, aren't you Count von Count, from _Sesame Street_?" he asked.

            The Count bowed.  "I am."

            "What are you doing here?" Christian asked.

            "I heard you were coming.  I understand you're used to hanging around vampires."

##

            "And now," an announcer's voice intoned from out of nowhere, "Bear on Patrol."  The curtains closed, then reopened, revealing a set made up to look like a police station.

            Fozzie, dressed in a police uniform, came in.  He shoved his prisoner, a shark, into the cage.  "Into the tank with you."

            Link Hogthrob, dressed as the police chief, asked, "Why did you arrest this shark?"

            "Illegal gambling.  He's a cardshark."

##

           

            Christian sipped a cup of coffee backstage as he watched the Flying Zucchini Brothers perform their feats of derring-do.  He heard a small voice.

            "Mr. Kane?"

            Christian looked down and saw Kermit's young nephew, Robin.  Robin wore a baseball glove over one hand and had a ball in the other hand.  "What do you need, Robin?"

            "After the show, when the audience has left the theater, would you like to play ball with me in the parking lot?"

            "You want to play ball with me?" Christian asked.

            Robin nodded.  "Uncle Kermit said you were a hitter on TV."

            Christian bit his lip.  He opened his mouth to explain that playing a hitter on _Leverage_ was very different from hitting a baseball.  Then he closed it again.  Robin was a little young to explain what sort of a hitter he used to portray.  "Sure, Robin, I'd love to."

            Marco Zucchini flew across the stage, passed over Christian's and Robin's heads, and landed against the Chinese gong.  Loudly.

##

            "The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal.  He was in a bind because he was way behind and he was willing to make a deal," Christian sang.  He wore blue jeans, a t-shirt, and a cowboy hat as he sat on a bale of hay.  He played a guitar as he sang.

            Nearby, Herbie the One-Octopus Band played the fiddle, drum, and tambourine.

            A big, red Muppet dressed as the Devil stood near them, waiting for his turn to play.  His clothes were crimson lamé and black velvet.  His horns shone like polished ebony.  The fiddle he held looked as though it really were solid gold.

            Backstage, Floyd Pepper watched.  "I like the Daniels boys, Charlie and Jack."

            Robin looked up at him.  "Huh?"

            "It's a grown-up joke, tadpole.  I'll explain it when you're older," Floyd promised.

            Christian continued singing.  "Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard, 'cause Hell's broke loose in Georgia and the Devil deals the cards."

            Backstage, Floyd, Kermit, and Robin listened, tapping their feet.  Just as the song ended, Scooter rushed up to them.

            "Kermit, the actor playing the Devil for the next number just called.  He's had a flat tire and won't be able to make it in time.  Should we have Christian do another song instead?"

            Kermit watched as Christian, Herbie, and the Devil came backstage.  "If he can't make it, who's that?"

            The Devil smiled.  He nodded, then faded away.  A faint odor of sulfur lingered.

            Everyone's jaws dropped.

##

            Rowlf the Dog sat at his piano.  "A poem, by Joyce Kilmer," he announced.  "I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree."  He turned to face the audience and chuckled.  "Well, you know why we dogs like trees."

            Kermit yelled from off-stage, "Keep it clean, Rowlf!"

            Rowlf began softly playing "What a Wonderful World."  He started reciting again.  "I think that I shall never see --"

            Miss Piggy came out on stage and began singing, "I see trees of green, red roses, too."

                "Shoo, Piggy," Rowlf ordered.  "Scat.  You've already had a song."  Once she was gone, he continued, "A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed against the earth's sweet flowing breast."

            Kermit yelled again, "Keep it clean!  We work for Disney now."

            Determinedly, Rowlf forged ahead, "A tree that looks to God all day and lifts her leafy arms to pray."

            Sam the Eagle came out on stage.  "A tree that looks at God all day," the big blue bird corrected Rowlf.  Shaking his head, Sam marched off stage again.

            "A tree that may in summer wear --"

            "Timber!" a shout came from backstage.

            A tree fell down, crushing Rowlf's piano.  Snarling and growling, he shoved the piano bench back so hard that it tumbled to the stage floor.  He stomped off-stage and threw his songbook against the Chinese gong.

##

            "Good evening.  I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew," a bald Muppet announced.  "This is my assistant, Beaker."  He pointed at a tall, large-eyed Muppet whose orange hair stood straight up as a result of too much exposure to electricity.  "Here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, we are working on a solution to the problem of world hunger."

            Beaker held up a glass beaker full of small, dried beans.

            "These beans have been dehydrated, desiccated, and destabilized _._   This makes them far easier to ship overseas to foreign lands where famine flourishes," Dr. Honeydew stated alliteratively.

            Beaker turned so the entire audience could see the beans.  He shook the beaker slightly.

             "Once they arrive at their destination, one need only add boiling hot water to restore them to their former glory, cooking them at the same time.  Beaker, the hot water please."

            Beaker set the beaker full of beans down on the table.  He dashed off, returning a moment later with a steaming teapot.

            "Pour the water, Beaker," Dr. Honeydew directed.  "But be careful.  It's very hot."

            Beaker did as he was told.  First the beans began to swell in size.  Then they started wiggling.  Then they began to bounce.  Then they started bouncing out of the glass beaker and all over the lab.  Some hit the computers.  Some hit the file cabinets.  One hit the framed picture of Albert Einstein.  There was a loud series of metallic sounds as five flew offstage and hit the Chinese gong backstage, one after the other.

            Dr. Honeydew and Beaker dove for cover. 

            One of the beans hit an empty tin can on the table and knocked it to the floor.  Dr. Honeydew picked it up.

            "Beaker, you idiot!  These aren't Boston baked beans.  These are Mexican jumping beans!"

            Beaker whimpered unintelligibly. 

##

            "And now, a bit of classic comedy, as our own Fozzie Bear recreates one of Danny Kaye's [greatest moments](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4Ow69QWJmo)," Kermit announced.

            Mildred Huxtetter, a purple skinned Muppet with a very sharp nose, was dressed as Griselda in a black gown.  Annie Sue, a young sow, was dressed as Maid Jean in orange silk.  Fozzie wore a silver tunic and leggings, like Giacomo.

            "You don't want the vessel with the pestle," Mildred told Fozzie.  "You want the chalice from the palace."

            "I don't want the vessel with the pestle," Fozzie repeated.  "I want the chalice from the what?"

            "The chalice from the palace," Annie Sue spoke up.

            "It's a little crystal chalice with a figure of a palace," Mildred explained.

            Christian sat on a bench to one side, dressed like Alan-a-Dale.  It took all his theatrical training not to burst out laughing as the trio ran through the tongue-twisters.

            "The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle," Annie Sue said.

            "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true," Mildred said.

            After a few minutes, Annie Sue and Mildred led a very confused Fozzie off-stage.

            "Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you," Christian sang.

##

            Continuing with the theme of _The Court Jester_ , the At the Dance sequence took place not in a standard ballroom, but on a set designed to look like a castle interior.  All the dancers were dressed in medieval garb.

            Kermit glanced down at the silver tabard he was wearing.  "I still can't believe you talked me into this," he told Miss Piggy.

            "You look very handsome," Miss Piggy assured him.  She wore a blue velvet gown and a hennin, a tall cone-shaped hat with a veil hanging from it.  She waited a second.  Her beady eyes narrowed.  "Well?  Aren't you going to say I look beautiful?"

            "Yes, of course you do, Piggy."  He added,  "Yea, verily."

            Piggy relaxed.  So did Kermit.  He had no desire for a Pork Fu demonstration, especially not one where he played the part of the wooden board waiting to be broken.

            Wayne and Wanda waltzed together.

            "I'm still waiting for my vacation photos to be developed," Wanda complained.

            "Be patient," Wayne told her.  "Someday your prints will come."

            "Did you hear the court jester lost his job?" Mildred Huxtetter asked.  She still wore her Griselda costume.

            George the Janitor nodded.  He wore his usual khaki uniform topped with a green Robin Hood hat.  "Yeah, now he's nobody's fool."

            Janice nodded at the couple dancing nearby.  "Fer shure, they can really dance."

            Zoot glanced at an anthropomorphic numeral 2 dancing with Annie Sue.  "Well, it takes Two to tango."

            "What did King Arthur tell the Round Table before bedtime?" Banana Nose Maldonado asked the Duchess from Alice in Wonderland.

            "I don't know," she said.  "What?"

            "Knighty knight," Banana Nose Maldonado replied, and they both laughed.

            King Goshposh from _[Hey, Cinderella!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvbcQJuR6Sw)_  danced with Geri, the lead singer of Geri and the Atrics.  She asked him, "Who is your biggest knight?"

            "My roundest knight is Sir Cumference.  He gained weight by eating too much pi."

            "Kermie, darling," Miss Piggy coo'd, "you're so clever.  Can you tell me why medieval times were called the Dark Ages?"

            "Oh, that's easy, Piggy.  Because there were so many knights," her frog told her.  She stepped on his flipper, and he tried not to whimper.

##

            "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs," the announcer's voice intoned.

            Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice, and Dr. Bob looked around, trying to tell from whence the disembodied voice was coming.

            "Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked Rowlf the Dog, in costume as Dr. Bob.

            "The patient has terrible insomnia, Doctor," Nurse Piggy said.

            "Yeah, I just can't get to sleep," the patient  on the operating table complained.

            "Well, just sit on the edge of the bed, and eventually you'll drop off," Dr. Bob advised.

            "I thought insomnia was good for you," Nurse Janice said.

            "Good for you?" Dr. Bob repeated.

            "Yeah, well, they say if you snooze, you lose, so insomnia makes you a winner," Nurse Janice said.

            "Have you tried counting sheep?" asked Dr. Bob.

            "Yeah, but then my ADD kicks in," the patient said.

            "Your ADD?" Nurse Janice asked.

            "Yeah, one sheep, two sheep, one cow, two ducks, Old MacDonald had a farm.  Hey, Macarena!"

            Nurse Janice and Nurse Piggy began dancing the Macarena.

The Count stuck his head in.  "Did I hear someone say count?"

            "Hi yaa!"  Nurse Piggy karate-chopped him and shoo'd him offstage.

            "I'm not 100% sure of the cause.  It could be due to alcohol," Dr. Bob said.

            "That's okay, Doc," the patient replied.  "I can come back when you're sober."

##

            As Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janet, and Dr. Bob filed offstage, each reached up and hit the Chinese gong as they passed it. 

            Kermit looked up from the copy of Variety he was reading.  "Why did you do that?"

              The three replied in unison, "I thought it was a running gag." 

##

            From their seats in the balcony, two old men watched as the show ended.  One turned to the other.  "Well, what did you think of it?"

            "Well, it could have been worse," Statler acknowledged.

            "How?" demanded Waldorf.

            "It could have been longer," Statler pointed out, and both men chuckled.

 

**The End**

 

* * *

          

 

**Musical References**

[Marian the Librarian](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9C2JS9mWc)

[What a Wonderful World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE)

[The Devil Went Down to Georgia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgvfRSzmMoU)

[The Pellet with the Poison](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotoHuLEJRY)

[Lady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotoHuLEJRY)

[Macarena](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwWRjvwlLKg)

"The Pellet with the Poison" scene was written by Norman Panama and Melvin Frank for the classic movie, _The Court Jester_.

 **Author's Note:** actor/singer Christian Kane co-starred in _Angel,_ _Leverage_ , and _The Librarians_.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Musical References
> 
> Marian the Librarian: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9C2JS9mWc
> 
> What a Wonderful World: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE
> 
> The Devil Went Down to Georgia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgvfRSzmMoU
> 
> The Pellet with the Poison: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotoHuLEJRY
> 
> Lady: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYRfUoR9Q4Y
> 
> "The Pellet with the Poison" scene was written by Norman Panama and Melvin Frank for the classic movie, The Court Jester.
> 
> Author's Note: actor/singer Christian Kane co-starred in Angel, Leverage, and The Librarians.


End file.
